April 2009 Archives

So, I let go of almost half of my land. I kept thinking to myself, "My house is just sitting there, taking up space. I never go inside it. I never have friends visit me there. I'm always hanging out in the garden, and my friends visit me in the garden too. I bet I could remove the house and let go of that land."
 
And then cost became an issue, which helped me firm up my decision in a hurry. I decided I really didn't need 3904sqm, and had Tiyuk reduce the size to almost half: 1660sqm. Now I'm back to counting prims...
 
I'm sad to say goodbye to my house -- I really loved it, it was so pretty and so unique. But I couldn't justify having it there. It's going to sit in my inventory until such a time as I have occasion to bring it out, I guess. My magical garden stayed, of course, but I had to redo it a little:
 
 

 
 
This corner of the garden remained essentially the same except that I added the huge tree and changed the flowers. And have a lot less clutter, to save prims :P
 
 

 
 
This corner is completely new, except for the tree with the little round chair. I love the flowers, the ones in both the pictures are from Organica and are copy/mod, 1 prim only (sculpted) -- they come in various colours, so pretty!
 
Aaaaaand... once Karl & I partnered, we needed privacy (*smirks*) so up went a house in the sky. I looked around for something low-prim, not too large but not too small either, and not ugly or boxy. (Yes, I know, picky, much??) Finally I found the perfect house at Aces Spaces. *dances*  Even better, Karl likes it! \o/ Which is a lucky thing, since I didn't check with him before I bought it...
 
 

 
 
No, I am not going to show you the interior! :P  It made sense for Karl and I to share a place, since he didn't already have a home in SL -- he has a build platform and a store, but never did put up a house. I wanted to give him a place where he could relax and unwind, even if I'm not inworld. A sanctuary or oasis from any troubles or worries that might be plaguing him. That's why it's called Karl & Quaintly's Sanctuary <3

Falling in SLove is exhilarating; it really is like falling, freefall, and you don't know where you'll land. In my previous relationship, which lasted about a month and ended back in September, I never really let go, but with Karl, it is like omg all these emotions unleashed! Sometimes I feel almost overwhelmed and fear losing control. Or scaring Karl off.
 
I think to myself, this kind of intensity surely can't last, it must fizzle out sooner or later. That makes me fear for the future. SL relationships are not known to last either -- only a handful stand the test of time. I hate not knowing what might be coming, I dread the thought of potential heartbreak... yet I, who have always been so cautious in matters of the heart, for once am throwing caution to the winds and heeding the siren call of love.
 
Strange how I never realised that love is such a huge risk, there are never any guarantees. But inexplicably with Karl I feel safe. Several times I have found myself going out on a limb, holding my breath, trembling with apprehension, and each time his strong arms have been there to catch me and enfold me in a reassuring embrace. That has meant a lot to me.
 
 

He catches me when I fall
 
It's like what Jonathan Carroll wrote:
 

You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip.
- from Outside the Dog Museum

And so with that, we are slowly learning more about each other. Again, it became different all at once the moment we are partnered; everything seems so much more serious and weighted, more purposeful and not so spontaneous or carefree as before. Perhaps this is a sad thing, but unavoidable. Suddenly we are discussing prosaic matters like schedules and plans when before we would have just taken things as they come. Suddenly it is important to "make it work".
 
And sometimes I sit up and think, "If it doesn't work out, I am going to look so stupid for writing these things, never mind thinking them, and be embarrassed for having worn my heart on my sleeve," but another side of me says, "Stop thinking that way! No guts, no glory!" and whispers that the risk is worth it. Then Karl holds me close and his gentle tenderness chases my fears away and my heart opens up to him a little more.

One little decision, and suddenly perceptions, expectations, wishes, all change.
 
Prior to partnering, Karl & I had only met a handful of times inworld. Most of our interaction has been via Plurk and IM (Gtalk). That's how we got to know each other, and how we've been keeping in contact with each other. We didn't even have any photos of us together -- Karl snuck inworld during his lunch break for me to take that photo in my previous post!
 
Neither one of us was concerned about the frequency of inworld meetings, but then -- boom! We're partnered -- and suddenly meeting inworld seems much more important than before! How fast things change, indeed :)
 
I wrote last year about the importance of the visual element in SL. In a relationship, it's natural that we would desire to hold our beloved in our arms and cuddle close; the visual element makes it a visceral experience, helps us to feel it. Somehow seeing two avatars cuddling on the screen makes the hug a lot more "real" than simply saying "/me hugs you tightly".
 
 

 
 
But also, I think, hugging and cuddling are so much about feeling anyway, that it is hard to describe them in words without the help of the visuals. Because when you hug someone in RL, you hold them and feel the textures of the layers of clothing between you, the warmth of their body close to yours, smell their scent, listen to their soft steady breathing, caress their smooth skin, and you don't need words. You just sink into them. It's hard to emulate that in text when a long period of silence often denotes inattention or an afk moment [away from keyboard]. Easier when the avatars in front of you provide a point of focus for that whole emotional experience.
 
Karl & I are 15 hours apart in terms of time zones; this means it's a challenge to find time inworld together. Like I said, previously neither of us really paid much attention to that, but now being partnered I find I long to meet him inworld and show him how much I love him. He makes me feel special, and I in turn want to express to him in every way I can how very special and precious he is to me <3

Karl and I partnered last night ♥  It was sudden, unexpected, and in typical Quaintly fashion, slightly unconventional.
 
 

 
 
We met on Plurk and later became friends inworld on Jan 8. Two days after that, coincidentally I was hanging out at ArminasX's store with ArminasX and his partner, Haley, when Karl happened to drop by. That was the first time we met "properly" inworld. Subsequently we started talking and flirting and... one thing led to another ;)
 
I told Laleeta on Apr 12 that I thought I might be falling in SLove; I found it scary and exhilarating. I've always mistrusted my emotions before, and overthink everything, analysing things upside-down. This time I wasn't thinking, just feeling. It was wonderful, incredible, frightening!
 
Last night I took my courage in both hands and admitted I had feelings for him... imagine how I felt when Karl said he felt the same. In the midst of talking over other issues, I playfully asked if he would like to partner me, and then closed my eyes tightly, thinking, What have I DONE?!?!
 
When he replied saying that it is a big step, my heart sank and I was certain he was going to let me down gently. I was trembling with embarrassment when he ended by saying, "Yes, I would love to be your SL partner." I was stunned!
 
I'm so happy, I haven't stopped smiling ever since :)
 
 

 
 
Thank you, darling... you make my heart sing ♥

I've heard people say that the friendships we have in SL are just as "real" as those we have in RL, which is why RL is a misnomer, since SL is every bit as "real" as "real life". The latest such comment came from Athanasius who responded to my previous post:

The people I meet in-world are every bit as real as the people I meet face-to-face (well, except the bots, and they're probably about as "real" as my Roomba). It sits uncomfortably with me to treat those friendships, contracts, promises, agreements, etc. as a lesser priority just because of the location in which, or the means through which, they take place.

This reminded me of a conversation Dandellion and I once had about falling in love in SL. Who falls in love -- my avatar? But how can my avatar, a bunch of pixels, fall in love all on her own? So it must be the human behind the avatar who has fallen in love. And whom have I fallen in love with? The other avatar? But again, how could I possibly fall in love with a bunch of pixels? So I must have fallen in love with the human behind the avatar.
 
Of course, then comes all the complications like what if the other person is pretending to be someone they're not, or lying about themselves, and so on. But basically, it's me, the "real" person, who falls in love with the other "real" person.
 
You see, the avatar itself has no identity. I rez in SL and there is my avatar, standing there, looking pretty. Who is she? Where is she from? What does she want? There are no answers to these questions. She simply... is. When I meet people inworld and they ask me, "What do you do?" I have nothing much to say except, "Hunt freebies, shop, hang out with friends, and... very very occasionally... build." It makes me sound like an aimless dilettante.
 
But there is so much more to me than that, because I am more than the sum of my avatar. In SL there is nothing to give our avatars true identity. In RL there is a whole body of information about us to offer context, background, a place from which one might begin to understand how a person ticks or what this person is like. Meeting for the first time, one of the first things we talk about is career or job because that's our chosen field, the thing we spend most of our waking hours on, the thing which consumes a lot of our energy and thoughts. We also talk about where we're from, geographically, and, if we have a family, often they -- the people closest to us -- will be mentioned as well.
 
Then we progress to deeper things: hopes and dreams, struggles and pain, fears and doubts, triumphs and failures, joys and sorrows. That's when the connection to the inner person is forged. Because this is what I'm all about, this is who I am, this is what drives me. You can't fully know another person, perhaps, but you can get close.
 
Without this kind of closeness, I don't consider it true friendship, more like mere acquaintances. Like the colleagues I have in the office, with whom I talk about work but very little else; I don't know what's going on in their lives, and they don't know what's going on in mine. When we part, it's like we're completely out of each other's consciousness, because the only thing drawing us together is the fact that we share the same office.
 
Likewise, if I meet you in SL, we've got to have more drawing us together than the fact that we both like to shop, script, build, or explore. If you are friends with me in SL, you're not friends with my avatar, you're friends with me, the human behind the avatar. Which also means you have to know me; that is, you have to know the human behind the avatar. (And vice-versa, of course.) Otherwise it's a very superficial sort of friendship... what is there to talk about? The millions of hunts in SL? The latest sale? Where to get the prettiest lingerie? Who makes the best hair? Which lucky chair is worth stalking?
 
So although I agree that the friendships we make in SL are just as "real" as the physical friendships we have with people in RL, the thing is, these friendships can't be "real" unless you let "real life" in. That's why I contend that "real life" is still "real", not just "first".

The past few days, I've been thinking about the terms "Second Life" and "Real Life". It's all Ari's fault. He said if there is a "second life", then it must be just as real as "real life"... if "real life" is the only thing that's real, then what we have in SL is false, just a game perhaps, or at the very least, not as meaningful or substantial as "real life".

I wouldn't say SL is not as "real" as "real life", but it is... sort of like a different dimension. Think of the Chronicles of Narnia, where the children (sons of Adam & daughters of Eve) keep getting 'summoned' into a different world. While they're there, that world is as real to them as their "real world" and they thrive in their new environment. But when it's time to leave, they slip back into their "real world" and discover that barely any time has passed, and slowly, the reality of other world fades until it seems almost a dream, a magical time out of time.

It's not that SL is any less real than "real life", but rather it's perhaps a more magical world. Isn't that why people say, "SL is SL and RL is RL"? Because they don't want to ruin the illusion, mar the fantasy, rip apart the mystery? "Real life" is more "real" in the sense that it is gritty, unpolished, raw, demanding; SL is the glossy, shiny world where you are in charge (well, as far as Linden Lab allows anyway) -- where you get to make of yourself whatever you will: Your World, Your Imagination.

So it's not that, as Ari suggested, since Second Life is less real, "everything you think of, do and feel in Second Life is false". It's just that everything you think of, do, and feel in Second Life sometimes feels so far apart from "real life" as to be unreal. Unreal ≠ False, you know :P

I still like to call them "Second Life" and "Real Life", just to remind myself that I live in the Real World and have a real life; the Second Life is fun (most of the time, lol) but it's second. It ought not to be my priority. Unfortunately, because it's so glossy, attractive and ideal it often sucks us in -- there is a temptation for us to want to live in SL instead of living in RL. But since we cannot escape RL no matter how hard we try, it behooves me to remember that this shiny world is unreal. I can visit, but I can't live there. Just like the sons of Adam and daughters of Eve, I always have to step back into the real world and leave that magical realm behind.

I seem to be having greater success getting into SL these few days. I even managed to make it for the Aden closing sale. As I told Karl, I'm not sure why I want more hair, but there's something irresistible about the word "sale", and something even more irresistible about the word "closing", like -- omigosh! It's now or never!
 
So I went to Aden, and though I crashed almost upon arrival, miracle of miracles, after an hour or so I got in again and even managed to try on demos and have everything rez. But I was just shopping for the sake of shopping. Who knew that was possible, right? I was just shopping because I wanted to get the stuff before it disappeared from the grid forever, not because I really really wanted it.
 
That was last night. Tonight I logged in, and amazingly got in on the third try. But I kept pinging SL and noticing occasional packet losses. I figured that if I happened to TP at the wrong time... boom, I'd crash out. Still, I risked one TP to SySy's store to pick up an in-store gift, then stood around IMing a few friends.
 
 

Yes, graphics settings turned up for picture ;)
 
 
After each friend logged out, one after the other, I ended up sitting on a couch in SySy's store, with my graphics settings on absolute lowest, not daring to TP... well, actually, not having anywhere in particular to TP to. Couldn't think of anything I wanted to do, and no one to spend time with. I couldn't figure out why I'd wanted so much to get inworld. What does this world have for me now? I really don't know. I feel increasingly alienated from it.