Although Karl & I are in an SL relationship, he impacts me in RL in so many ways. For one thing, he has given me the hope that one day, I will meet someone who loves me, whom I can love in return. In RL I have watched many friends get married and have children, and wondered if there was something wrong with me -- if I am inherently flawed and, in some indefinable way, intrinsically unlovable. It has been hard, especially when the only thing I've ever really wanted was to fall in love, marry, and have a family. I was never one of those career women interested in climbing up the ladder :)
Before I met him, I had been losing hope; although all my friends told me I would surely meet someone one day, I felt sceptical. How would they know? No one knows the future. With each passing year I've felt my dreams crumble a little more, eroded by the relentless pounding waves of Time. I got all kinds of "helpful" advice, like "It will come when you're not looking", and scoffed: how can you not look when it is something you want so much?
But Karl's love has given me strength to hope again. More than that, he has given me confidence that there will, one day, be a man who will cherish me for who I am and want everything I have to give. While my friends have, in true supportive fashion, always affirmed me, it is completely different when a man does so. Knowing that Karl appreciates me and everything I bring to him makes me feel that I really do have something worthwhile to offer a man. I've never lacked confidence in my talents and abilities, but when it comes to my attractiveness and femininity... yes, I have the deep fears of any other ordinary woman.
He makes me feel
special, something I've longed for and craved, because growing up, I had a difficult relationship with my dad (it's much better now) and never felt like Daddy's Princess. In fact I never felt particularly special to anyone. I used to love fairy tales, and dream of a handsome prince charming coming along to rescue me, loving me so much he'd perform Daring Deeds to win me. *blushes* (yes, I am a hopeless romantic.)
I put away those dreams some time ago, realising how unrealistic they were and how high an expectation they'd place on any man, but could not silence the need. Then along came Karl, sending me sexy 'good morning' private plurks every day, placing them there for me to find when I wake up and he is offline. He doesn't know how important those plurks were/are to me, but they made me feel so special and have been something I look forward to seeing each day when I turn on my computer and log into
Plurk. They played a big part in getting me to fall for him ;)
But that's Karl; he's always focused on what will make me happy, because he finds pleasure in bringing me joy. He
gives. It's in my nature to work hard to please the people I care about, being terrified of disappointing them or letting them down, putting aside my own needs and desires. When I love, I give; and I've often wondered if I would find someone who would be able to give back to me in the same measure.
Then I met Karl, who is equally focused on pleasing me, who wants to meet
my needs. I keep asking him what he wants, so that I can give it to him; but he tells me that all he wants is for me to be happy, which leaves me in something of a conundrum. But what a lovely conundrum to have!
He's such a very easy person to be around, patient and calm and undemanding. He gives me a sense of
peace that no one else has been able to. I'm generally a worrier and although I don't flap around in a panic, harp on things or demand reassurances, I tend to worry silently. But he calms me without even knowing he's doing so... like when I am silently wondering if I've taken too much upon myself by choosing furniture without consulting him, and he tells me, "I love your style, and I love you." And so with him, inexplicably, I don't worry. I trust him to tell me if I've said or done something he doesn't like; I don't keep second-guessing myself or him. I didn't realise, before this, that it was possible to feel so utterly secure with anyone.
Karl is so tender with me, and his
tenderness allows me to open my heart to him, be vulnerable with him. Tenderness is very, very important to me, something I do not have much experience with in RL. But it is hard to find in a man, perhaps because it makes the man so vulnerable in turn; I think men instinctively protect themselves from emotional vulnerability. If you can reach a man that deeply, you have the power to completely destroy him if you so desire.
But his tenderness makes me feel
safe, as
I wrote before. Again, something I really needed because of my background. I like to be open with others -- it makes things simple -- but some of the people closest to me have proven to be unsafe, so I constantly watch my words, evaluate what should or should not be said, close up parts of my heart in order to protect myself, because if I reveal too much, I am criticised, misunderstood, or ridiculed. Karl makes me feel safe enough to open my heart completely to him, letting him in, knowing that he accepts me as I am and would never judge me.
Karl is, in a nutshell, everything I hoped for and dreamt of, but feared was not possible. So, in the end, once again he brings me
hope, because he's shown me that the impossible is possible, that my dreams are achievable, that I've been wise not to settle for less.
. I can't say I'm unaffected, because I am affected. And when I say I love him, I mean it... from the bottom of my RL heart.
