Recently in Lurve Category

I was away for the weekend, joining a friend on a trip back to her hometown to visit her grandma. No, I don't know her grandma, neither did I know her folks, who were going along too. But when I protested that I would be intruding on a family trip, my friend said, "Don't be ridiculous!" I figured it would do me good to be away from the computer, the Internet and SL for the weekend... maybe not in that order, lol... so I agreed ;)
 
Just before I left, Karl IM'd me saying that he had to move to a different parcel and asked me to come pick up my stuff from his place. A lot of the furniture in the house belonged to me, plus I had those (never-finished) beanbags lying around on his work platform. I'd asked him about all that earlier, but he'd said that there was no hurry for me to clear my stuff since he had lots of free prims.
 
I guess I'd just felt reluctant to go do it because once you take all the furniture away and the house is removed, it's as if nothing was ever there. It's like negating or wiping out your history, and so easily done. I'm not even sure if I'm making sense. Laleeta asked if I had delayed getting my stuff coz I was hoping Karl & I would reconcile. No, it wasn't that. And it wasn't denial. It was just... I don't know, like when you stand in a newly empty house in RL, walk around checking that you haven't left anything behind, and mourn for what is past. Even if you are excited about the move and love the new house to bits, there's still the pathos of leaving the old place behind... a place that's full of memories, both good & bad.
 
In any case, because taking my stuff suddenly became a matter of urgency, I went over and did it in a very "get the job done" frame of mind. And in the end, it wasn't the stuff that caught me -- it was meeting Karl.
 
He was on his work platform, clearing up his own stuff. It was our first time meeting inworld since the breakup. We'd talked on Gtalk since then, and it had been pretty normal, friendly... so I hadn't expected things to be any different, meeting him in SL. But it felt so strange, to be face-to-face and not to hug, to stop myself from saying "sweetheart" as I would have before. I felt... strained, like I had to rein myself in and remind myself that things have changed while outwardly he -- everything -- looked the same as ever... and awkward, because I wanted to be friendly, yet not too friendly? lol!
 
I was thinking about this on my weekend away, and thinking of my two favourite songs, Natalie Cole's Starting Over Again and Rupert Holmes' Escape (The Pinã Colada Song). I like them because they both talk about rediscovering love with the person you once fell in love with. Married couples know that love is commitment; some days you don't feel at all loving but you stick with your partner and hang in there, and then sometimes you look at the person and feel amazed all over again that they ever agreed to marry you.
 
 

Starting Over Again - Natalie Cole
 
 
Of course I also like The Pinã Colada Song because it is clever and I am a dork, and both songs have great tunes, but never mind :P
 
I don't expect that this will happen for Karl and I -- it's not likely that we'll suddenly realise we'd rather be together than apart. But although things didn't work out in the end, being with him has actually convinced me that an SL relationship could work. Like any RL relationship, both parties have to want the same thing, be prepared to put loads of effort into the relationship, work at keeping the lines of communication open, learn to compromise & be considerate of each other. I could go on and on. My point though, is that the same principles apply.
 
 

 
 
What does this mean for me? I don't know. I won't rule out having another SL relationship in the future, but I'm not in a hurry to find someone else. Also, the time zone difference between Karl & I made things incredibly challenging and Karl being married (therefore having other commitments, and a much less flexible schedule than I do, limiting the times we were able to meet inworld) didn't help. In an ideal world -- which, as we all know, doesn't exist :P -- my partner would be either in my timezone or close to it, and single in RL.
 
For now, though, I'm simply going to pout about the fact that Bax Coen doesn't have demos for their new Prestige Boots, which cost 875L. Those boots have looked simply scrumptious in every single picture I've seen on the various fashion blogs, but I simply can't spend 875L on shoes without first trying on a demo! If anyone else is wondering, the store's customer service rep said, "We don't have them yet :-/  It's on Bax's To-Do list, but we just don't know when, sorry." Retail therapy -- thwarted! Arrrgh!

Love is such sweet foolishness. We know this, yet we crave it... forgetting that the joy is inescapably intertwined with sorrow, for nothing ever flows smoothly between two souls. Should it ever be smooth, boredom would begin to creep in ;)
 
If we are lucky, and, perhaps, persevering, the laughter outnumbers the tears; if not, then love starts to suffer terribly, dying slowly, day by day. Before love turns to hate, some choose to part.
 
Parting is bittersweet. Whispering goodbye not just to the person who was once a part of you, but also to all the shining hopes and dreams... quietly tucking away beautiful memories, knowing that no new ones will ever be made, not with him. Grieving for what might have been and what is.
 
After four-and-a-half months, Karl and I remain friends, but are together no more. It turns out we wanted different things and had different priorities. He says he still loves me... and I do still love him... but sometimes love just isn't enough.
 
 

When the first bloom withers and falls to the ground,
Nature sighs. There will be others
But the first bloom is special.

Should the frost sweep in early
Bleakness shrouds the land,
A chill stabbing the heart.

At the foot of a barren tree
The tiny bloom lies alone
On cold, hard ground—

A testament to what once was
And now is no more.

   

Interestingly, my dad is at work, my mom is taking a nap, I'm logged into the Internet and looking for things to do. Being away has been a good break, reminding me of what's really important. When I think about it, a lot of the things I do on the Internet are kinda pointless, except in how they help me to keep in touch with people. But now I'm wondering whether things like reading blogs and following plurk timelines really help that much.

After all, it's not really personal is it, reading someone's blog. Like, you think you know what's going on with your friend, but there are loads of things that are never blogged. I leave comments on blogs and plurks and then end up hardly ever having real conversations with my friends, which is pretty terrible. *resolves to do better*

Ever since I heard a month ago about Rheta Shan passing away in RL, it's made me feel that life is unpredictable and so fleeting, that I need to treasure whatever time I have with the people who are important to me because I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. At the airport on Thursday, I picked up a book about a wife whose husband suddenly dies from a brain tumour, leaving her to usher in her 30th birthday alone, her dreams in pieces... a story somewhat in line with my own thoughts lately.

The book's premise is poignant (although I'm not so into the way the writer tells the story). It makes me think of my parents... I can see them growing older before my eyes, although my dad is waaaaay fitter than me -- he goes mountain climbing and jungle trekking and does all kinds of outdoorsy stuff -- I can't imagine being without them. But knowing that they are growing older makes me realise I don't know how much longer I have with them, and that I should make sure they know how much I love them, so that I won't have regrets later.

Makes me think of Karl too, how we are each half-way around the world and separated by time zones, and every moment we can get together is precious. There never seems to be enough time to do all we want to do, say all we want to say. I try to cram it all in because I never want Karl to have a moment's doubt that he is loved and wanted and needed.

In a way, the very nature of an SL relationship causes one to treasure the now, because in an SL relationship it's not like you can plan for a future together, unlike in RL. In RL you can see yourself getting married (or living together), having kids, growing old, and generally moving into the future side-by-side... but in SL, it's hard to imagine what the future will be like, which makes the now all the more precious.

Although Karl & I are in an SL relationship, he impacts me in RL in so many ways. For one thing, he has given me the hope that one day, I will meet someone who loves me, whom I can love in return. In RL I have watched many friends get married and have children, and wondered if there was something wrong with me -- if I am inherently flawed and, in some indefinable way, intrinsically unlovable. It has been hard, especially when the only thing I've ever really wanted was to fall in love, marry, and have a family. I was never one of those career women interested in climbing up the ladder :)
 
Before I met him, I had been losing hope; although all my friends told me I would surely meet someone one day, I felt sceptical. How would they know? No one knows the future. With each passing year I've felt my dreams crumble a little more, eroded by the relentless pounding waves of Time. I got all kinds of "helpful" advice, like "It will come when you're not looking", and scoffed: how can you not look when it is something you want so much?
 
But Karl's love has given me strength to hope again. More than that, he has given me confidence that there will, one day, be a man who will cherish me for who I am and want everything I have to give. While my friends have, in true supportive fashion, always affirmed me, it is completely different when a man does so. Knowing that Karl appreciates me and everything I bring to him makes me feel that I really do have something worthwhile to offer a man. I've never lacked confidence in my talents and abilities, but when it comes to my attractiveness and femininity... yes, I have the deep fears of any other ordinary woman.
 
 

 
 
He makes me feel special, something I've longed for and craved, because growing up, I had a difficult relationship with my dad (it's much better now) and never felt like Daddy's Princess. In fact I never felt particularly special to anyone. I used to love fairy tales, and dream of a handsome prince charming coming along to rescue me, loving me so much he'd perform Daring Deeds to win me. *blushes* (yes, I am a hopeless romantic.)
 
I put away those dreams some time ago, realising how unrealistic they were and how high an expectation they'd place on any man, but could not silence the need. Then along came Karl, sending me sexy 'good morning' private plurks every day, placing them there for me to find when I wake up and he is offline. He doesn't know how important those plurks were/are to me, but they made me feel so special and have been something I look forward to seeing each day when I turn on my computer and log into Plurk. They played a big part in getting me to fall for him ;)
 
 

 
 
But that's Karl; he's always focused on what will make me happy, because he finds pleasure in bringing me joy. He gives. It's in my nature to work hard to please the people I care about, being terrified of disappointing them or letting them down, putting aside my own needs and desires. When I love, I give; and I've often wondered if I would find someone who would be able to give back to me in the same measure.
 
Then I met Karl, who is equally focused on pleasing me, who wants to meet my needs. I keep asking him what he wants, so that I can give it to him; but he tells me that all he wants is for me to be happy, which leaves me in something of a conundrum. But what a lovely conundrum to have!
 
He's such a very easy person to be around, patient and calm and undemanding. He gives me a sense of peace that no one else has been able to. I'm generally a worrier and although I don't flap around in a panic, harp on things or demand reassurances, I tend to worry silently. But he calms me without even knowing he's doing so... like when I am silently wondering if I've taken too much upon myself by choosing furniture without consulting him, and he tells me, "I love your style, and I love you." And so with him, inexplicably, I don't worry. I trust him to tell me if I've said or done something he doesn't like; I don't keep second-guessing myself or him. I didn't realise, before this, that it was possible to feel so utterly secure with anyone.
 
 

 
 
Karl is so tender with me, and his tenderness allows me to open my heart to him, be vulnerable with him. Tenderness is very, very important to me, something I do not have much experience with in RL. But it is hard to find in a man, perhaps because it makes the man so vulnerable in turn; I think men instinctively protect themselves from emotional vulnerability. If you can reach a man that deeply, you have the power to completely destroy him if you so desire.
 
But his tenderness makes me feel safe, as I wrote before. Again, something I really needed because of my background. I like to be open with others -- it makes things simple -- but some of the people closest to me have proven to be unsafe, so I constantly watch my words, evaluate what should or should not be said, close up parts of my heart in order to protect myself, because if I reveal too much, I am criticised, misunderstood, or ridiculed. Karl makes me feel safe enough to open my heart completely to him, letting him in, knowing that he accepts me as I am and would never judge me.
 
 

 
 
Karl is, in a nutshell, everything I hoped for and dreamt of, but feared was not possible. So, in the end, once again he brings me hope, because he's shown me that the impossible is possible, that my dreams are achievable, that I've been wise not to settle for less.

It is extremely difficult to explain an SL relationship to someone with no experience or understanding of this world. An 'online relationship' perhaps best defines it, but when I tell RL friends that, they inevitably want to know more: Who is he? What does he do for a living? Where is he? Do we have plans to meet "in person"?

That's when things begin to get complicated. Geographical distance aside, even if Karl and I were ever to meet face-to-face, we would meet simply as good friends. Because, you see, he is married in RL.

It's this that I cannot explain to my RL friends; in fact, I can barefly even explain it to myself. In love with a married man! That doesn't sound so good.

Yet, while I love him, it's not the RL man I love, but the him expressed through Karl; and, at the same time, it's not the RL me who loves Karl, but the me who is expressed through Quaintly. Which totally makes us sound like split personalities, when I know neither of us do the separation thing: I'm the same person, inworld and out -- and so is he. And I do think of Karl as a real person, with real emotions and thoughts and dreams and hopes and fears. I don't treat him, or our relationship, as some kind of game.

But this is the way it somehow works out in my head. It's real and yet at the same time not real; it's the RL me who thinks of Karl throughout the day when he is asleep on the other side of the globe, the RL me whose heart skips a beat when I see the green dot on Gtalk next to his name, the RL me who ponders about how best to phrase a sexy private plurk to tease him and make him go . I can't say I'm unaffected, because I am affected. And when I say I love him, I mean it... from the bottom of my RL heart.

In that sense it is real, yet I can't allow it to be too real because there is no chance for us to be together in RL, and I don't want to want what I cannot have. That way lies the path of sure and certain disaster. I don't believe in "what ifs"... as I told Karl once, this is the life I've been given and this is the life I'll live. My contentment has been hard-won, and not something I want to part with in a hurry.

 

 

So for me, loving Karl is loving the real man through the person of his avatar; the avatar acts as a conduit, a medium, and I give him all my love through the same medium. In some strange way this makes me long to meet with him inworld, and talk with him, spend time with him... but it doesn't make me long to be with him "for real", in RL. I cannot explain this any more adequately than I have already done.

I don't know if this RL-SL 'separation' in my head will diminish over time as we get to know each other better, opening our hearts and lives to each other. I didn't mean to separate RL & SL -- in fact I'd always believed it was not possible, but it seems to have done so itself, without any conscious decision on my part. Go figure.

I'm not so worried about myself, though -- more worried about Karl. For me to long for him in RL would not worry me half as much if he were to long for me in the same way. It was my greatest fear that he might feel torn in two between his wife and me, but he said it is not so. He keeps telling me that love is a multi-level, multi-dimensional emotion, and that it is possible to love more than one person at a time; the SLove and RL love each have its time and place, he says. He assures me he has plenty of love to share, that his love for me deepens with each passing day.

In the end I trust Karl to know himself and his heart, to know how to deal with this... unusual situation precipitated by both of us being residents of a virtual world. I trust in his assurances and his love for me. I trust him in a way I've trusted very few, for it is a great risk to trust so completely. But somehow he makes me feel safe enough to risk my heart this way. And in risking it, I have gained so much more than I ever dreamed I could have... both SL and RL. But that is a post for another day ;)

Falling in SLove is exhilarating; it really is like falling, freefall, and you don't know where you'll land. In my previous relationship, which lasted about a month and ended back in September, I never really let go, but with Karl, it is like omg all these emotions unleashed! Sometimes I feel almost overwhelmed and fear losing control. Or scaring Karl off.
 
I think to myself, this kind of intensity surely can't last, it must fizzle out sooner or later. That makes me fear for the future. SL relationships are not known to last either -- only a handful stand the test of time. I hate not knowing what might be coming, I dread the thought of potential heartbreak... yet I, who have always been so cautious in matters of the heart, for once am throwing caution to the winds and heeding the siren call of love.
 
Strange how I never realised that love is such a huge risk, there are never any guarantees. But inexplicably with Karl I feel safe. Several times I have found myself going out on a limb, holding my breath, trembling with apprehension, and each time his strong arms have been there to catch me and enfold me in a reassuring embrace. That has meant a lot to me.
 
 

He catches me when I fall
 
It's like what Jonathan Carroll wrote:
 

You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip.
- from Outside the Dog Museum

And so with that, we are slowly learning more about each other. Again, it became different all at once the moment we are partnered; everything seems so much more serious and weighted, more purposeful and not so spontaneous or carefree as before. Perhaps this is a sad thing, but unavoidable. Suddenly we are discussing prosaic matters like schedules and plans when before we would have just taken things as they come. Suddenly it is important to "make it work".
 
And sometimes I sit up and think, "If it doesn't work out, I am going to look so stupid for writing these things, never mind thinking them, and be embarrassed for having worn my heart on my sleeve," but another side of me says, "Stop thinking that way! No guts, no glory!" and whispers that the risk is worth it. Then Karl holds me close and his gentle tenderness chases my fears away and my heart opens up to him a little more.