Recently in RL intrusion Category

I know I haven't posted here in forever. In the 2 weeks before Valentine's, I was feeling down, and then Valentine's came, and with it Chinese New Year. After that I fell sick.
 
I hate feelings sometimes, because they are so irrational. Those two weeks before Valentine's, I kept battling an annoying little voice in my head which insidiously whispered, "You have failed at life." I know I haven't. I might not be as materially successful as some of my peers who own their own houses and drive shiny new cars, but I've found my niche and am happy doing what I'm doing. But I guess all of us have unspoken insecurities that pop out at times to haunt us.
 
 

 
 
Chinese New Year coincided with Valentine's this year. For us Chinese, CNY is something like Christmas is to the so-called "Westerners". Extended family gathers together for a reunion dinner on the eve of CNY and there is much eating throughout those few days when everyone is around. My parents flew into town for a week and my bro & SIL were here too, not to mention aunts and uncles and cousins. I was kept busy and the time simply flew by.
 
After my parents (and everyone else) left on Thursday, I developed a cough and sore throat which has refused to go away. I'd taken the whole week off work, but was supposed to go back to work today. Well, a cold decided to make its presence felt too, so I called in sick. I hate being sick, it makes me feel sorry for myself and crave TLC. *sighs*
 
 

 

I am so epic fail at the Big Bad Blogger Challenge... but that's because I've gone on vacation. For one week. Visiting my parents ;)

I left on Thursday afternoon, and before that was running around like a headless chicken trying to get things done, since I knew I was going to be away for a week. So I didn't manage to get blog posts done for Tuesday or Wednesday, either. Of course, I wouldn't have been quite so headless-chickenlike if I hadn't procrastinated earlier. But you didn't hear me say that!

Now that I'm here... well... my parents do have Internet access, but it would kinda defeat the purpose of flying 2.5 hours to see them and then end up sitting in front of the PC most of the time, so I'm online only intermittently. Like right now, it's 12:10am and my parents are asleep, so I'm taking the opportunity to write this blog post, check email, and chat with Karl on Gtalk.

It is hard not being able to see and talk with him at our usual times... given that our time zones clash like crazy and we don't get to see each other that much in the first place, this is like... almost being cut off. Especially since I cannot say when I'll be online, so it is hard to arrange to be online at the same time. But, if we don't manage to see each other on Gtalk, we'll keep in touch via email. At least that's something. Thank goodness this is only for a week!

I can't get Plurk to load on my parents' 300kbp connection, although Plurk Mobile works great. Couldn't seem to post a plurk though -- I tried but it apparently didn't show up on my timeline. Meh :P

I had surgery on my boob yesterday, and everything went well, except... my emotions exploded on me.

The night before I was already feeling vulnerable. I was at home, by myself (my housemates are rarely in), and feeling sad that I was alone the night before surgery. I also felt stupid about feeling this way, since I'd already had a similar procedure done last year: I knew it was a minor thing, nothing to worry about! I was like, WTF is wrong with me?! Why do I suddenly feel so in need of TLC?

The next day, my aunt dropped me at the hospital and went off. I was in hospital from 8am to 8pm, and apart from three-and-a-half hours when I was knocked out by the anaesthesia, I was awake and alone. Which, you can imagine, didn't help my state of mind.

I was pretty okay when I was waiting to go in for surgery -- I had a book with me to keep me occupied. But OMG when I woke up from the anaesthaesia, with my boob feeling like it was on fire and nobody there to hold my hand, I felt damn sorry for myself. I even started tearing up, and when I whimpered about the pain to the nurse, she and the doc felt so sorry for me that they administered 5mg morphine intravenously!

Then it turned out I couldn't get discharged as soon as I'd expected, and my uncle, who had promised to take me home from hospital, couldn't make it at the later time because he had an appointment. My other relatives were also busy with their own plans and activities. I felt so abandoned, I had a mini-breakdown; I hid in the hospital restroom and bawled my eyes out. I felt that nobody cared about me and that I never come in #1 on anyone's priority list :(

Finally I found a friend who could come and take me home, but before that the insurance took AGES to come through, eventually making it just before the ward closed for the night, causing me to be extra stressed out. All in all, it was a terrible day. The surgery itself went fine -- everything else, not so much.

But it's over and today I'm back to normal, still alone (drove myself out to get dinner, lol). The whole episode kinda reminded me once again how much I need RL friends because although all my SL and Plurk friends have been so supportive and caring, they were too far away to help, and all the virtual hugs in the world could not satisfy my need for someone to hold me when I was hurting...

I woke up at 5:25 this morning thinking that my last post was incoherent and made no sense at all. "You started off saying you've been using SL to fill a RL void, and you ended by declaring that you'd decided not to use SL to fill a RL void. You completely contradicted yourself," said that very annoying voice in my head.

I hate it when I accidentally make no sense. These sort of things should always be deliberate. I should be able to choose not to make sense.

Anyway... nobody said anything, so you guys either didn't read it or didn't notice I wasn't making sense. Either way, I'm safe... phew!

***

So, I think I got tagged by all the Ch'knowers, although only Terri mentioned me by name, lol.

1. Who was your FIRST prom date?
My school didn't have a prom. Good thing, too, I never needed to worry about having to have a date. This prom thing is not part of Malaysian culture, as far as I know. We had a class party in a hotel ballroom instead, I remember that.

2. Do you still talk to your FIRST love?
I've never been in love before. For some reason I was a very pragmatic teen... early on I realised that crushes are fleeting and don't last, so I enjoyed the giddy feelings but never considered myself in love. Yes, even at that age I was overanalysing every damn thing. *facepalm*

3. What was your FIRST alcoholic drink?
Possibly when my dad let me sip his shandy and I went, "Ewwwww!" To this day I still don't like shandy or beer. Bailey's on the rocks is my drink of choice ^^

4. What was your FIRST job?
Does getting paid to wash Dad's car count? Mom would pay me five bucks :D

5. What was your FIRST car?
Perodua Kancil (local make). It was metallic turquoise in colour -- not my choosing, the car was second-hand so it came that way. But I loved the colour coz it was so unusual and stood out in a crowd. Easy for me to locate my car in a crowded parking lot! Also, the car was small, which meant it zipped into tight parking spaces very easily. I miss that :P

6. Who was the FIRST person to text you today?
I text a lot and it's now 11:45pm so I'm trying to remember. Quite possibly it was E, who said something about dying to wear high heels once she loses some weight. I told her I now believe in comfort over vanity rather than vice-versa and she replied, "Sod that." lol

7. Who is the FIRST person you thought of this morning?
The surgeon I was going to see. While I'm on the subject, I have a follow-up appointment with her on Monday and she'll probably operate Tuesday. I'm really happy about this, although it creates a bit of a headache for me since I have to get other teachers to take over my classes and prepare worksheets for them to give the students. (We are on holiday this week, so I didn't need to worry about today.)

8. Who was your FIRST grade teacher?
I don't remember. I have a terrible memory for people -- they're always remembering me but I often forget them. I meet my former students in the hallway and struggle to recall their names... students whom I taught just 3 months ago!

9. Where did you go on your FIRST ride on an airplane?
Probably from England to Malaysia. I was four and my family was moving back for good. I've never been back to England since then. It's on my "things to do before I die" list.

10. Who was your FIRST best friend and do you still talk?
Probably EC. My family moved away when we were both 7 and we wrote letters right up until we were 17. Then I went to college and somehow the communication ceased. He invited me to his wedding, and I went, and later visited him & his wife when they had their first child, but apart from that we haven't had any contact at all.

11. Where was your FIRST sleep over?
I never had sleepovers as a kid. I don't know why. I rarely visited my friends unless my parents were visiting their parents and I just happened to be going along for the ride. The same with them.

12. Who was the FIRST person you talked to today?
A random lady on the street, I had to stop my car to ask for directions to the hospital!

13. Whose wedding were you in the FIRST time?
My third uncle's (ie. father's third brother). I was the flower girl and wore a pink frilly dress (which I loved). I can't remember how old I was at the time... maybe 9.

14. What was the FIRST thing you did this morning?
Thought about my previous blog post, then wondered why the heck I was awake and what time it was. Squinted at the clock and was aghast to discover it was 5:25am. Turned over, determined to go back to sleep.

15. What was the FIRST concert you ever went to?
Never been to a concert. I was not into pop music. I grew up in a religious household; most of the music I knew were the songs we sang in Sunday School and church. Or oldies. My parents didn't specifically stop us from listening to so-called 'secular' music, but I wasn't very interested in it. Books were more important to me than music.

16. What was the FIRST record/tape?
Possibly the soundtrack for The Sound of Music. That's still my favourite movie. "High on a hill stood a lonely goatherd..."

17. FIRST hospitalization?
I don't recall ever being hospitalised for anything. I was a homebody and bookworm -- loved to sit at home, reading... didn't run around and get into trouble and break limbs. I asked my dad if I ever did anything adventurous, and he retorted, "You, climb a tree? The sky would have fallen down!" I was a boring kid :(

18. FIRST foreign country you've been to?
I was born in England. (And then came back when I was four... see #9) I don't remember ANYTHING of it, which I think is a damn waste. There are pictures of me all bundled up, playing in the snow, and I don't remember what show is like! *wails*

19. FIRST movie you remember seeing?
The Disney animated version of Beauty and the Beast. The whole family went to the cinema for that one. I LOVED it, but my mom thought it was boring (she doesn't like cartoons). So when Aladdin came out, my dad brought my bro & I to see it and Mom stayed at home!

20. When was your FIRST detention?
Malaysian schools don't have detention :D

21. Where did you FIRST meet your spouse/partner now?
I'm still hoping to meet him someday... I'll tell you then!

22. Who was your FIRST roommate?
When I went to college, the first year I shared a room with three other people, whose names I can't remember anymore (see #8). However, we got along okay and my roommates used to wake me up for classes in the morning coz I'm sooooo not a morning person and I sleep like the proverbial log. My mom used to worry that I would never be able to hear my alarm clock ringing.

23. What did you do with your FIRST paycheck?
I seriously don't recall that I did anything special with it. I've always been buying stuff for myself whether I was on an allowance from Dad or earning my own money, so it wouldn't have made much difference, I guess.

The human me is still alive, the avatar I'm not so sure :)  It's been more than a week since I've been able to log into SL, and surprisingly I'm not restless or antsy yet! Miracles will never cease!

If you follow me on Plurk, you'll know I've had other things to occupy my mind. Chief among them being, one of my boobs decided to enlarge itself by growing a lump...

Nothing to panic about, thank goodness! I've had this before -- recurring condition, sigh -- it's not the big C, and in the scheme of things is actually pretty minor, except that the stupid thing hurts. Even wearing a seatbelt to drive makes it hurt, coz the seatbelt presses against it. Painkillers, here I come! (I ain't no masochist, baby)

The earliest appointment I can get with a surgeon is next Wednesday. I had to go to a GP to get a referral letter to see the surgeon, so that my medical expenses would be covered by company insurance. The GP, knowing that this letter is just a procedural thing, did the most cursory examination and then wrote in her referral letter: "Diagnosis: Breast carcinoma" -- meaning cancer. She didn't ask me questions, didn't discuss the possibilities with me, didn't prepare me, nothing.

I'm still pissed off at her irresponsible behaviour. I'm lucky to have doctors in the family, and also having had this before I know it's not cancer, but she could have made me freak out. That would be 6 days of panic and fear and worry till I get to see the surgeon. Stupid and unnecessary.

As it is, my main reaction to the lump has been a rather disgruntled, "What? Not again!" I expect the surgeon will want to take the lump out, but it'll be minor outpatient surgery (well, it was the previous two times) so I'm not worried. Hugs and chocolate are always welcome, though :P

Wow I am pissed off at my ISP. My connection has gone flaky again and I haven't been able to get inworld since last night, so I called the customer service hotline. Stupidest thing I've ever heard:

"We are experiencing slow connection to some domestic and international websites. This has been going on for a long time and we are doing some maintenance to solve this problem. There is no projected completion date for the maintenance. It is also not stated here what exactly the problem is. Therefore, I cannot help you. Sending the technicians won't help because it's not a line problem. You'll just have to wait until the maintenance is completed."

Irate customer (me): "I know this has been going on for a long time, I called you two weeks ago! And you can't even tell me how long I'll have to wait for this to be resolved! So basically I'm paying for nothing?"

Her: "You can call our billing department and ask for a rebate due to slow connection."

Irate customer: "How is a rebate going to help me? I cannot access the websites I need to access, I cannot do my work!" (yes, of course SL is totally work :P)

She told me to ping some websites, copy & paste the results into an email and send it in to their support helpline. I pinged SL, of course:

C:\Documents and Settings\quaintly>ping secondlife.com

Pinging secondlife.com [8.4.128.238] with 32 bytes of data:

Request timed out.
Reply from 8.4.128.238: bytes=32 time=291ms TIL=46
Reply from 8.4.128.238: bytes=32 time=291ms TIL=46
Request timed out.

Ping statistics for 8.4.128.238:
Packets: Sent = 4, Received = 2, Lost = 2 <50% loss>,
Approximate round trip times in milli-seconds:
Minimum = 291ms, Maximum = 311ms, Average = 301ms

50% packet loss, no wonder can't get inworld, gaaah!

Then I tried pinging the ISP's own website...

Completely timed out. 100% packet loss.

No viable alternative. It's a bloody monopoly here. *screams, shakes fist at ISP, and throws something*

I'm sitting here typing this at 9pm on a Monday and I'm so exhausted I can barely think. That's how my weeknights have become for me, and that's why I'm not blogging much. I still go into SL every day, when I'm home from work, but very few of my friends are inworld at that time (roughly 3AM-5AM SLT). So I go inworld, get a few freebies, sometimes sort a bit of inventory, then log out. Don't have a lot of energy to do much else, also haven't been shopping much coz I'm broke in both worlds -- didn't even go to the Aoharu sale. My inventory is grateful :P

Today I'm extra stressed out and tired not because of work, but other issues... and not having friends around is making me a little sad. I'm always more vulnerable when I'm tired and stressed, like how some children get extremely whiny when they're sick :P